For the past month I've been on Easter holidays, our term break; went to Newcastle, Amsterdam, Edinburgh and back to campus, busy coping with my studies, and yes - I was sorta-ish busy in a relationship.

And no, ..I ain't gonna talk anything about that long ago. Cause I assure you it'd be over 10k words if I did.

Just for this week. Yes, this week. (yeah, you sense the emo-ness coming..)

I've been feeling extremely stress, tired, often wanting to just give up but you-know-me-i-just-don't-do-that.

Being an Aced star here in Bellerbys isn't easy, and being a person people expect highly from, is even harder.

Tomorrow is the day I'll have my Mechanics 1 Mock Exam, my Chemistry Unit 1 test, my Physics ISA Practical Exam. The worst part of all these are, my physics teacher sucks so badly I feel like giving up the subject already. But this thought already makes me feel uneasy and yes, this thought disgust me. No matter how much effort I try to put in Physics - the outcome doesn't show, I can, of course, still score with flying colours, but only if I spend extra hours on it , perhaps twice the load I am having with other subjects. Which is just - unfair.

Physics is the least important subject to my university application. Yet I love all of them so much I really want to just treat them all equally - if.. my teacher behaves a little more.. like a teacher.

It's only 23 days till the real examination. He still hasn't covered the Unit One.. Other subjects have already covered Unit Two and we've already started our revision. It's near MAY and we only had one TEST. YES ONE DAMN TEST ONLY.

And I think he stores our homework at home. It never ever comes back.

He's late for class for HALF AN HOUR and still give us HALF AN HOUR BREAK and END HALF AN HOUR EARLY. WHAT THE..

Unfortunately Physics is my earliest exam, I really don't want to screw it.. and tomorrow's practical.. we only had one pathetic practise back in early March. I just feel, extremely extremely unfair.





Yesterday me, Tasha, Richard went to see the Head of Maths. He said we, together with Yuri from the September AS group are chosen as applicants for Richard Ryde Scholarship. This scholarship helps you to pay all the fees in your A2 year.. I think that's about 50 thousand pounds. Sounds great so far?

Here are the parts I don't like :
- prepare a mini CV by the end of the week (GOSH you are telling me this on a Tuesday (I end at 6pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays) when I have so many exams/tests/stress on a Thursday?)
- I'd need to face an interview by the end of next week by the principal, centre head, and 2 head of departments...
- IF I am that lucky to be chosen to represent Bellerbys Cambridge, I need to then travel to Brighton in May to have my final interview against Oxford, London and Brighton applicants.

See my point?




And then there's.. this new relationship. Not exactly new but.. yeah.

People (ie friends) have been telling me how I've changed after being together with him. Changed as in, they think I'm prettier, happier, .....anything and everything positive, really. But the truth is : I'm so doubtful of that comment..

I must admit, the heart soaks itself with guilt now and again, facing the positive comments and also facing him, who really truly sayang me..

Yes, I'm happy when I'm with him, when he tells me he cares, when he offers to pay for me even though he is (TOO) thrifty, when he changes his bedtime, ...

But.. I also could not deny the fact that, when I'm not with him physically, I'm just NOT with him. That's how all the insecurity arises - I don't feel him that much, I start to doubt if he was true, everything seems unreal, fake, .. and it's not always happy thoughts that pop out in my mind about him. Often, it was the past that haunts me, ...

I really need more time, and more proofs from him and from us..
I don't know if he'd understand..

Sorry for my long emo post - had to throw it at someone some how. Felt so much better now =x

Kalley